


He's off to pay his crimes, and he's got no time for mine

by thereisalwaysanand



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Canon Compliant, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, F/M, M/M, Minor Bruce Banner/Natasha Romanov, POV Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 15:58:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5297378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisalwaysanand/pseuds/thereisalwaysanand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha has known James forever. After the events of CATWS, she finds him and their connection is as electric as she remembers. But things have changed and now Natasha has to meet the man she never knew, Bucky Barnes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I don't love you but I always will

**Author's Note:**

> First things first, this fic is not beta-d so all mistakes are mine and i'm sorry. The change of Natasha's name (and James/Bucky) throughout the fic was intentional to show her confliction about who she is. Title based on Coming Down by Halsey.

> “Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise  
>  I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you  
>  Oh I don't love you but I always will”  
>  -The Civil Wars, Poison and Wine
> 
>  

  
She saw his face in visions caught in between nightmares and dreams. Sometimes in the dreams he would touch the space behind her ear, whisper her name “Natalia” like a prayer for forgiveness, and in the same moment snap her neck. Other times they would fight together, speaking in fluent and angry Russian, taking down targets side by side. But mostly, her dreams were of his eyes, the ice behind them and the sheen of his metal arm reflecting in the light of his irises. If she didn’t know better she would say they had been in love. But love was for children, and regret was for the old. So she was caught in the middle, the vast nothingness that threatened to kill her mind. 

  
 Hydra isn’t what Nat had expected when she chose to take on The Winter Soldier with Captain America by her side. Hydra was Nazi ledgend, not a modern war. But this Hydra was evolved and they knew their targets well, they knew their weaknesses and their strengths better than Nat ever imagined. When Steve first told her of the man with the metal arm, and how he attacked her the one rock in her life, Natasha had assumed it was going to be a sort psychological warfare. Surely the use of the Soldier couldn’t have been random; it felt like an attack on her, on the life she had built outside the dripping red walls she had always known. She had been so blind.

  
 She thought nothing of it when she attacked him so readily. It was who she was and if their places were reversed he would have done the same. He obviously saw her as the bigger threat and as they fought, a part of her wondered if he remembered her or if he was going off the Black Widow’s files and simply acting accordingly. It was until she saw Steve drop his defenses at the sight of his face that she wondered what was so deeply wrong with her. Natasha wondered if she could ever possibly be normal.

  
 In the truck with Steve so blatantly heartbroken over his friend, Nat thought for the millionth time about how blind she was. Why, why didn’t she look deeper into James Buchanan Barnes, Howling Commando and Steve Roger’s best friend? Why didn’t she push past the walls Steve had so carefully built about talking of things during the war? She was so content to conclude that Peggy Carter was his only ghost. Blindness had over taken her, S.H.I.E.L.D had made her soft, and weakness had set into her heart. Natalia Romanova was disgusted by Natasha Romanov.


	2. I cannot get you out

> “Nothing goes as planned
> 
> Everything will break
> 
> People say goodbye
> 
> In their own special way
> 
> All that you rely on
> 
> And all that you can fake
> 
> Will leave you in the morning
> 
> But find you in the day”
> 
> -Andrew Belle, _In my Veins_

 

After the triskelion fell, she went to Clint’s farm. She stayed for a few months, getting her life in order. Well yeah okay the life in order thing took like a week. But Nat liked the kids, and she liked Laura, and she really liked how these small, untrained people could bring Hawkeye, master assassin and former S.H.I.E.L.D agent, to his knees. She didn’t exactly crave domesticity but it was nice to feel like she had a home to go back to. Right after he confided to her about his whole secret family, Clint remodeled an old office room upstairs and declared it Aunty Nat’s room. He was the only one she had ever told about her icy memories. In fact, he was the only one she told a lot of things too. But he never expected to be in on her secrets, he never forced her to talk. Clint had this way of kind of just knowing when was the right time to ask… or to not ask. When she came down the basement stairs to where Barton was working and said that she was leaving to go deal with some problems in her past, he just nodded and continued on his latest DIY home project. Nat walked up and down the stairs four times before she finally sat down and told him about the file she had given Steve, and how a part of her wished she hadn’t.

“So wait, wait, let me get this straight. Your Ex is also Rogers’ Ex?”  Barton said.

“I mean it’s not like I’ve had ‘The Talk’ with Steve, I’m not …100% that he would call Barnes an Ex. But to be fair, I’m not 100% that _I_ would call James an Ex.” She said from her place on the stairs, watching him measure for whatever he was planning. The details of his never ending projects bored her, but he enjoyed them, and she liked helping make him happy, in whatever small way she could.

“You know what Nat? Shut the fuck up and just call him an Ex.” He said with a tone that she knew meant stop demonizing yourself. Nat brushed her hair out of her face and looked away. Clint sighed exasperated. “These fucking measurements are wrong. Are you gunna talk to Cap? Or are you gunna be a little bitch and just go after him yourself?” He looked up at her expectantly.

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. This was something that drew her to Clint in the first place, his ability to see right past her shit. “You say bitch like it’s a bad thing.” Clint scoffed and made the ‘yeah alright then go’ hand gesture, but the corner of his eyes crinkled in a subtle smile. She stood to go and as she walked up the stairs she called back to him “Bitches get stuff done!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all my chapters are short but with this one i didnt really want clint and nat's friendship to be a focus because i hate that he has a family but i like canon complient so i went with it


	3. The heart wants what it wants

> “This is a modern fairy tale
> 
> No happy endings
> 
> No wind in our sails
> 
> But I can't imagine a life without
> 
> Breathless moments
> 
> Breaking me down”
> 
> -Selena Gomez, _The Heart Wants What it Wants_

She found him at 12:30 on a Tuesday, in the Museum of Air and Space of the Smithsonian wearing a pretty non-descript jacket and a dark blue baseball hat. He did a good job blending in with the crowd but he walked with the confidence of someone who knew exactly where he was going. Nat didn’t even tail him, she knew where he was going, but she did any way. She watched him read and reread each plaque in the exhibit, and from a distance, saw him mouth along the words to the video detailing Bucky and Steve’s friendship. He spent closer to 2 hours pondering the shrine to his friend and then left. Nat tailed him to a Starbucks, where he ordered two black coffees and then sat in a dark corner, and put his second coffee down on the wooden chair next to him.

Nat took the bait. In a fluid motion she took the coffee in hand, sat down and crossed her legs in a manner than one foot gently rested on the leg of his chair. She spoke in Russian, “You know, when I knew you, you liked tea better.”

He breathes out a little more air than usual in something akin to a laugh. “And when I knew you, you weren’t shit at tailing.”

Her mouth twitches.  “Ah, but the thing is, it’s hard to not be shit when you’re tailing one of the most skilled assets the world has ever known.”

He flinches at the word asset, but only slightly. He sips his coffee and leans forward.  For a split second she’s afraid that James will kill her here and now. His eyes glint and he drops the Russian in favor of his easy Brooklyn tinged English. “Relax, Tal. I chose this location expressly so we wouldn’t be tempted to kill each other.”

“Well that’s a relief I thought you had gone full teenage white girl on me.” James, mouth turns into his lopsided grin and Nat feels her heart go still. Outwardly, she plays cool, and leans towards him with a sly smile. “Sooo, how was your day?”

He cocks his head a little and the smile stays in place. “Pretty good, got a full three hours of sleep, watched my best friend go for a run, and then stalked his exhibit for the seventh time.”

“Well you know you seem pretty chipper for a brain washed assassin.”

He leans back. “I could say the same for you.” He winks. She stays in silent expectation.  Finally, he sighs and looks to his left. “You’re right. I do like tea better. I have some at my room. I promise not to kill you if you promise not to kill me.”

“Lead the way, Soldier.”


	4. I'm such a fool to pay this price

> “I've got a lover
> 
> And I'm unforgiven
> 
> I'm such a fool to pay this price…
> 
> I found a martyr
> 
> He told me that I'd never
> 
> With his educated eyes
> 
> And his head between my thighs
> 
> I found a savior
> 
> I don't think he remembers
> 
> 'Cause he's off to pay his crimes
> 
> And he's got no time for mine”
> 
> -Halsey, _Coming Down_

 

                James’ room is on the top floor of a skanky hotel east of the White House. It’s not the nicest living arrangements, but they’ve both had worse. He walks in first and takes his hat and jacket off and sets them on a chair near the kitchenette. Nat walks past him into the space separating the kitchen area from the queen sized bed. The first thing she notices is a distinct lack of blankets, the bed in covered in a white fitted sheet and only one pillow. James notices her gaze and coughs. “I uh… I don’t really get cold. Blankets feel like fire half the time.” She doesn’t turn to look but she can hear the pouring of water into mugs behind her, and beeping, followed by the low purr of a microwave.

                “No I get it.”

Cautiously he puts a hand on her shoulder. “Natalia...” In a rare showing of emotion, she turns her head to the sound of his voice, puts a hand on top of his, and closes her eyes. He moves closer, touching their foreheads together softly. “I’ve waited so long for you.”

She opens her eyes just in time to see a tear make its way into the stubble on his jaw. She wipes her finger across his jawline and he leans in ever so slightly. It’s all the invitation she needs, their lips crashing together, and time means nothing. Every meeting, every look they shared, every touch in dark alleys or safe houses or clandestine encounter is playing out in this one kiss. Relief comes on waves to Natasha, or maybe Natalia, either way she is drowning in it, being pulled deeper and deeper into the ocean of James. The harsh beep of the microwave shocks them both into reality and Nat has to suck in air to breathe.

James turns swiftly, opening the microwave door and then closing it, obviously not caring about the tea anymore. When he returns to face her, he doesn’t kiss her right away. Instead he pushes her backwards, onto the bed. Fear and arousal grow tight and hot in Nat’s stomach as James pulls his shirt over his head and removes the glove covering his metal hand. She follows suit, unzipping the black hoodie she was wearing to reveal her black lace bra. He raises an eyebrow and cocks his head, both in curiosity and respect. Yeah alright, so she kinda hoped this would happen. Kinda.

He leans in, kissing Nat while steadying himself on his real arm. With his metal hand he reaches behind her and in one fluid motion unhooks the bra. She lets the straps fall down her shoulders slightly before removing it entirely. Natalia pushes up into the kiss until they’re both standing again, turning her head to get deeper into his mouth. He holds the back of her head and neck gently while metal fingers give Nat goosebumps on her side and below her breast. Her hands reach for his belt, undoing it and unzipping his jeans. He breaks away from her, stepping out of his jeans and unabashedly admiring her body. Using two fingers he gently pushes on her collarbone and she allows herself to fall backwards onto the bed, propping herself up on her elbows as James removes his boxers and his erection springs free. With wild eyes he leans over her and plants sloppy kisses down her neck and clavicle, kissing the crevice between her breasts, and then moving to each nipple, drawing careful circles with his tongue and lightly biting until both nipples stood erect, and Natasha had goosebumps and made soft moans encouraging him.

When he was satisfied with his work there he continued down her muscular stomach, finally reaching the waistline of her jeans. She closed her eyes and ran her fingers through his long hair as he slid her jeans and panties off at the same time, and she kicked them off her ankles, unconsciously spreading her thighs for him.

He teased her for a moment, kissing her inner thigh, her bikini line, really anywhere but _there,_ until she was all but whining. “James, please.” She whispered to him. With his tongue he draws a line from the top of where her pubic hair would have started, if she didn’t have it laser-ed off, and parts her lips and then finally, finally, makes that first electric contact with her clit. Natalia gasps and grabs the sheets. He supports himself with his real arm and after a few moments inserts a mental finger inside of her, and then another, and makes come hither motions, hitting her g spot perfectly. Her mouth spews Russian curses, and a few English four letter words. Her back arches and she can feel her orgasm building, like the fuse of a firework. He sucks on her clit and then blows soft air onto it as he whispers “Come for me Natalia.” And she does. Oh my god does she come. His fingers don’t stop working, but his mouth moves up to her neck as a second orgasm shudders through her. James slowly extracts his fingers, drawing a slow figure eight onto her clit, before moving them up to her breast. He concentrates on sucking a bruise onto her neck as he waits for her breathing to normalize. “Fuck.” She says when her heartbeat finally goes back to a steady pace.

He smiles into her neck and then slides a hand between her back and the mattress and flips them over so that Natasha ends up straddling his waist.  He looks up at her with a cocky grin and says “I know right?” Its a quick glimpse of Bucky but she likes it all the same.She laughs, low and sultry, and leans down to kiss his cocky mouth, tasting herself on his lips. She can feel his hard cock touching her ass and reaches a hand behind her to grasp it and give it one firm stroke. James breathes in deep, and Nat is satisfied by the way his eyes close and his jaw clenches.

Slowly she glides her body so that their groins are better aligned, but raises her ass so that she can hold his dick, just barely touching her slickness. With rapt attention she watches his lips move with soft whimpers as she teases his cock with her, now aching, hole. When she decides she’s had enough fun Nat guides the head of his penis, now dripping with precum, into her and sits down, fully engulfing him. The way his chest moves with each breath is mezmerizing and at this pace, she feels she could do this forever. Up and down, his ribs move as his breathing gets deeper, more urgent. She follows this arc with her thrusts and watches as his eyes close tight and his hands twist in the sheets. This feeling of being in control of him is her drug, and the high from it is exhilarating. Its like she hasnt been breathing since the last she saw him, alone in the chill of a Russian motel, so many years ago. This is what Natasha has been missing, this ache of him, so real and alive beneath her.

She rolls her hips a few times before he spouts something in Russian, sits up, wraps his arms around her, dragging his nails over her back, and thrusts deep into her. Nat grabs his hair and neck and cries out to the ceiling as James bites her neck and flips them again, and starts fucking, fast and hard. Natalia comes again, screaming his name and James raises her hips off the mattress, squeezing her ass and whispering dirty, meaningless words. “fuck nat, yes, come for me tal, jesus.” But when he comes, hot and pulsing inside her, it’s not her name on his lips.


	5. It's not somebody who's seen the light

> “And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
> 
> And love is not a victory march
> 
> It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
> 
> … And it's not a cry that you hear at night
> 
> It's not somebody who's seen the light
> 
> It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah”
> 
> - _Jeff Buckley, Hellelujah_

 

Later, wrapped around each other in his bed, he caresses the spot behind her ear and whispers her name. But it’s not quite a prayer for forgiveness. It’s not a prayer of thanks. It’s the prayer of a broken man who has seen too much, and has too much blood on his cold hands. He murmurs into her ear, hiding his face in shame. Whats done cannot be undone.

“Before, when I asked you to promise not to kill me…I was lying. The truth is. I… I need you to promise me something else.”

She grazes her nose against his hair. “Anything.” She says, and she means it.

The words bubble in her chest, a dull itch, like a wound that is slow in healing, _I love you._ But she doesn’t say them, she just repeats it to herself, and hopes whatever promise he asks of her will convey the things she knows she’ll never have the strength to say herself.

He untangles himself, and adjusts so that he can look at her.  His eyes have pooled into something that feels like sadness and it makes Nat uneasy. “Promise that you’ll take me out if it comes to it… and Nat, please protect Steve. Protect him from me. Promise me, please.”

She nods her promise and the relief on his face is evident. Affection tightens on her heart and she takes it as a sign that she should leave. She pulls away and finds her clothes. James doesn’t watch her get dressed. He looks to the window with a face of vague concern. He clears his throat and then speaks. “Is he… is Steve… Fuck I don’t even know. Is he happy?”

It doesn't surprise her, but she still has to take a moment to think.

“He’s more determined right now. He needs you.” At the words, James face lights up in love, a slow, lopsided smile forming on his lips. “Thank you, Nat. Really. You know I love you.” He says.   
It’s casual, that weird tone that’s interchangeable for everyone…the way you would speak to a close friend or a weird aunt. Nat feels tears prick, burning behind her eyes, but she blinks them away, feeling like a foolish child.

Natasha remembers what it was like to first break through the brainwashing. Years in the Red Room and KGB control take their toll, and no one knew it better that Nat. Well, maybe James did. She had made a similar request to Barton when he’d taken her under his, ahem, wing. It’s obvious that he’s thought about this, and she understands why he’s kept his distance from Steve.

She turns away from him, hiding her face as it clicks into place. _“I’ve waited so long for you.”_ He said. _Fuck you Natasha,_ she thinks, _fuck you for thinking he might actually love you that way._ It’s so clear to her now; he had always known she would come for him. Again, she was so blind, too blind to see that she was never his first choice. How could she be? Not when it had been Steve Rogers calling him from back before the hell of Russia. Steve and Bucky was the life she never had. The life she could never offer anyone. _Shared life experience,_ Steve had said. How could she be so fucking stupid? The truth of the situation is becoming more and more apparent and it burns in her veins. Because the truth of it is she would do all of it again. She’d fuck him right now if he asked. She’d go get Rogers and drag him here, keep watch as they kissed the way she wanted to be kissed. She’s helpless before him. James, Bucky, The Winter Soldier, whatever you wanted to call him, had brought her to her knees. Natalia looks at him, and she sees home. She wants to scream his name, light the world on fire to show him the light and the warmth and the good that was taken from him. But all she can do is nod, tight lipped, and leave.

Natasha drives, and doesn’t realize where she’s going until she’s there, parked outside Steve Rogers’ apartment. He greats her as an old friend, invites her in for tea, complaining that no one really drinks tea that much around her. It’s easy to smile for him, he likes having someone to talk to. He asks about the progress Tony is making with the new Avengers HQ, and they make quiet conversation for a few minutes before she finally looks at him with the steel gaze of the Black Widow and tells him she found Bucky. He crumples beneath her eyes, his body contorting as he sobs in relief, and only then does she realizes why she came here.

She had to know. Had to be sure that Steve could love Bucky the way he deserves. The way the heartless assassin simply cannot. She can see the love, clear as day on Steve's face, hears the history between them in his tone. Captain Steven Rogers needed a win, life had not been kind to any of them. Steve never had a choice in his lifetime. in the world he was born into, he was handed the perfect body, and the perfect girl. But was that what he wanted? Or was it the boy with the blue eyes and the dark hair that held Steve's heart and never let go, even after all this time. The current world certainly wasnt perfect, but now, in the light of the 21st century, this could be their time. Bucky and Steve, together, as it should be. So in one final act of selfless devotion, she carefully writes out Bucky’s address, kisses Steve on the cheek, and leaves.

She doesn’t tell anyone what happened between her and James. Not even Clint. She lies, because that’s what she’s good at. Nat throws herself into her work, helping Tony in the Tower. And as the weeks go by, things get easier. The knot in her chest loosens, it gets easier to laugh, and it feels like closure. And if her breathing hitches slightly when Dr. Banner smiles, she doesn’t hide it, she just smiles back at him and thinks that maybe, just maybe, there is hope for her to have a place in this world.

>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> “Now the night is coming to an end
> 
> The sun will rise and we will try again
> 
> Stay alive, stay alive for me
> 
> You will die, but now your life is free
> 
> Take pride in what is sure to die
> 
> I will fear the night again
> 
> I hope I'm not my only friend
> 
> Stay alive, stay alive for me
> 
> You will die, but now your life is free
> 
> Take pride in what is sure to die”
> 
> -Twenty One Pilots, _Truce_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not pro banner/nat but in writing the ending to the this it really started to make sense to me in the context of this fic. I'm definetly not trying to turn nat into a charcter who needs a romantic partner but i do understand the need to feel like you have a home, and for her i think that in the arms of someone, away from everyday life, and relitively safe is where she would feel at home because her real life is so uncertain. I don't feel that its the only way she could feel at home, but she has some issues to work out with herself so this is a quick fix for her mentally... if that makes any sense.

**Author's Note:**

> I personally really like canon complient fics so I tried my best to keep this canon. I didnt put an extreme amount of effort into it, so any comments are welcome! Thanks for reading!


End file.
